AnaBella
by mrsmcavoy23
Summary: Bella and Edward have been dating for a year and they're now engaged. With her wedding approaching, Bella falls victim her eating disorder once again.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello Everyone! This story deals with an eating disorder. I wanted to write this because while I understand fan fiction is fiction, I don't think I ever feel like a Bella I read about has to deal with anything serious that some of us may go through. I wanted to change that. Things are going to get rough, I'm warning you now, but know, that my Bella is a fighter.**

**I will update every Thursday.**

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><p>BPOV<p>

I met Edward my Senior year at Udub. I went to tutoring to get help with my political science paper, and fell in love with the bronze-haired genius. Him and I worked on my paper for two months, even though I turned it in two weeks after we worked on it together. I thought I was being so smooth, but he loves bringing up the fact that he knew. Okay, yeah, it was my fault for not whiting out the due date on the assignment worksheet.

I loved having him lean down and read over my thesis. I loved having him so close. For those few seconds I felt he was mine. It always came to a screeching halt when his girlfriend Angela would come to meet him at the end of our session. She broke up with him before she went to study abroad and he was really torn up about it.

I don't believe in making moves when someone is vulnerable, so I didn't. I was just good to him. And that's how we become friends, and that's how we became what we are now.

He proposed last weekend. He told me that he thought I would benefit from a life-time tutor and that he would be just the man for the job. "_Bella, It only makes sense that we got married so we pay less taxes, and that we have sex- lots of sex because why not?"._ I told him that even though I had no need for a writing tutor because I'm an accountant, that I would marry him because he seemed so damn desperate.

My best friend Rose blew a gasket when I told her the story, she said that he should've taken me out to dinner and done it the traditional way, but that's not who Edward and I are. To me, it was perfect.

After she was done droning on and on about how ridiculous it was that I won't have a romantic proposal story to tell my daughter, she actually got excited. Deep down I know Rose adores Edward, she sees how happy he makes me.

Even though it's only been one day since the proposal Rose drags me to the dress shop. It was fun at first. Trying on beautiful white gowns, and laughing our asses off over every strapless dress falling down because of my non-existent cleavage, but then it changed. I was about to step into another dress, and I glanced up to the mirror.

I started pinching and twisting. I started slapping my thighs and shaking my arms. I promised myself I would leave this shit in high school and I did. Four years. Four fucking hard four years. I told myself it was a phase. But today I made a mistake.

I looked into a fucking full body mirror.

Stupid. So stupid.

"Bella! Let me see the next one. Your boy chest still problematic?" Rose chuckled.

I quickly put on the forgotten dress and open the door. Pretending to be into this like I was before.

When I get back to the apartment Edward has ordered dinner.

He kisses my forehead and takes my jacket and kisses me more.

"Hey, baby." He whispers.

He makes love to me.

An hour later we're on the couch and Edward is eating his eggroll complaining about how SNL's "weekend update" without Amy is absolute shit. He reaches to get another eggroll and notices the full, bloated white and red boxes filled with my shrimp fried rice.

"Can I have some?" He ask.

"Yeah, as much as you want."

Half an hour later he reaches for more but doesn't take it.

I ask what's wrong. He says that he doesn't want to eat the last of it.

I tell him it's fine.

"You eating, Bella?" A simple question, but one I've heard a million times in a worried whisper from everyone who knew.

_You eating, Bella? _Eventually became

_Just fucking eat, Bella!_

_You're going to disappear!_

_I don't want to bury my child!_

_You eating, Bella?_

I almost forgot what it was like being asked. I have to remind myself that he doesn't know.

I pull his arm around me and kiss his neck up to his ear.

I whisper a soft "_no._"

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><p>If you are dealing with an eating disorder, here are some resources for you:<p>

Crisis Call Center  
>800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863<br>Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Eating Disorders  
>630-577-1330<br>10 a.m. to 6 p.m. EST, Monday to Friday

National Eating Disorders Association  
>800-931-2237<br>9 a.m. to 5 p.m. EST, Monday to Friday

Thursday's Child National Youth Advocacy Hotline  
>800-USA-KIDS (800-872-5437)<br>Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, Everyone! I decided that I wanted to go ahead and upload another chapter today. I will still post on Thursday as well. **

Chapter 2

In 9th grade I asked Mike Newton to a school dance and he said no. I always think back on that moment and I get so embarrassed. It'll just hit me out of nowhere. I'll see someone with the same dirty blonde hair and I'm thrown back. My heart beats fast, and my stomach twist, and all of a sudden I'm fourteen years old again. It was a horrible day, but it was one of my favorite memories with mom.

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><p>"<em>Bella, you can't live your life this way." Mom sighed<em>

"_And you can't live your life missing spin classes" I try joking, hoping she'll listen and leave for the class she's late to._

"_Fuck my class. Listen to me. People are going to try to hurt you, but you have to be your own pillar of strength. You will be lied to, cheated on, and most likely experience everything that hurts, but you've got to know how to get yourself through it." Mom's blue eyes are wide as she says this. _

"_I'll get there, Mom, I promise."_

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><p>I was getting there. I was speaking up more in class and comfortable with telling people to fuck off. Nasty reviews left on my <em>Supernatural<em> fan fiction didn't phase me and I didn't see men as my primary source of happiness.

I was fucking getting there, and then she got sick.

I kneel down and place the daises in the flower holder next to the cold gray stone.

I tell her about Edward being away on his business trip. I know she would have liked him, but she would've hated sharing me.

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><p>When I make it back to the apartment I jump in bed and face-time Edward.<p>

"Hey, Pretty Girl." He smiles

"Hey, Baby. How's Honolulu?"

"It's good, but I can't wait to be home."

"I can't wait until you're home. I'm uncomfortable having you around all of those beautiful women in grass-skirts."

"Bella, I am at a writing convention with my co-workers, and you and I both know that the women I work with love you, and would castrate me if I even looked at another woman here."

I can't help but laugh. "I love Sandy and Barbara."

"Of course you do. What'd you do today?"

"It was a Daisy Day." I Whisper

"Oh," he says, recognizing our code word.

"You okay? I know you it's only a Daisy Day when you are feeling really down." He says.

"Yeah I just wish she could be involved with the wedding and everything, and-" I have to stop when my voice catches. I take a deep breath and continue. " I'm starting to make myself more upset, so let's talk about something else."

He describes convention discussions about the virtues of enjambment, and more things that bore me until I fall asleep.

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><p>I'm smiling the next morning when he sends me a picture of him and a hula girl, which was clearly only taken to make fun of me. I send him a message: <strong>If you don't knock it off, I won't have sex with you until we're married. <strong>His reply is quick **Yes, ma'am. **

It's bright outside today. I go through the apartment closing all the blinds and lay on the floor in the kitchen.

The summer before ninth grade, mom and I decided to take a road trip to Florida. Sometimes she would get so tired, and she wouldn't pull off and sleep because she wanted to stay on schedule. I decided that even though I was tired too, I would stay up. I didn't want her to suffer alone. My eyes burned, but they didn't close until she was fast asleep in our hotel room. And that's the way it went. We had long stretches of road, and a schedule to adhere to, and I would stay up with her. Her pain was my pain.

When she got sick and she was wasting away, and she cried to me over not being able to eat her favorite foods, even for one last time, I made a decision.

Her pain was my pain.

I didn't want her to suffer alone.

She's in a place where there is no suffering, but the hunger was my last tie to her.

It became my friend. Then it became an estranged friend, but it's back, and we're the type of friends that can go without seeing each other for ages, and then pick up right where we left off.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I pick Edward up from the airport dressed in my favorite yellow sundress. My hands tap nervously on the steering wheel.

I'm excited to see him. I don't like being separated from him.

For a long time it was scary to interact with people.

I would sweat uncontrollably, and my heart would feel like it was about to pop out of my chest, and I always wondered why I was freaking out so much-why people freaked me out so much.

But with him it was ten times worse. I always imagined that when you met that special person, that it would be easy to interact with them, but for me, it wasn't.

I looked really stupid our first few tutoring sessions. I had to practically sit on my hands to stop from shaking, and I wore black so he wouldn't see my sweat stains.

It was hard at first, but it got easier.

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><p>I'm driving back from the airport, and I'm annoyed.<p>

"I mean, you've only been home for ten minutes and you've spent five of them completely absorbed in your phone."

"Calm down, Bella. Drive to the store; I need a couple of things."

I huff and get on the exit towards the shopping center.

I quickly catch on when when he enthusiastically places a pineapple in our cart.

"I was googling recipes in the car. I am making you Hawaiian pizza tonight, sweetheart. Lame? I know, but I want you to get to experience a little bit of the magical place I've spent the last two weeks."

I kiss him on the cheek, because this is really sweet, and then we argue about whether we should be the getting canned pineapple or the actual fruit.

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><p>"Dammit! This knife is actually a joke, Bella. We are getting new knives tomorrow." He shouldn't have been so stubborn in the store but I'm content sitting him watching him making an adorable fool of himself.<p>

Two tutorial videos later and he has successfully extracted the edible portion. An hour after that a slice of the hawaiian pizza that my fiancé has been slaving over is slid in front of me.

"Hey, Edward."

"Yeah?"

"I love my ring."

"That makes me happy, sweetheart."

"Tell me the story of picking it out again."

This buys me ten minutes. I pretend to be enraptured. I'm laughing at all the right times and rubbing his hands at all the right times, but my mind is planning my next move. I really do love this story, but I need it to buy me some time.

"Rose told me about this new book she thinks you would like and she's-"

I stop when his large hand grabs my plate and he walks it to the microwave.

_Fuck_

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><p>Edward pouts "Really, Bella? One bite? It was that terrible?"<p>

"I'm sorry, honey. I'm just not a fan of this type of pizza, and I ate before I picked you up."

_Truth: It's fucking amazing and I'm a terrible person._

He's not easily offended, so he jokes that there's more for him.

More for him.

Less of me.

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><p>The headaches and the journal entries start the next day.<p>

"Yes! I love that you are writing! When can I read it?" Edward asks from across the room. He's trying to set up another bookshelf for his colossal book collection. I can't take one step in the living room without stubbing my toe on a Virginia Woolf novel.

"More Building, less nosiness, babe. I don't want these books cluttering this place for one more minute."

I enjoy alphabetizing with him and feel peace while i'm listening to him reading his favorite passages .

Right as I'm dozing off I'm jolted awake by his excited tone.

"I'm taking a cooking class tomorrow!"

"Edward, why would you take a cooking class? Everything you make is amazing."

He stands up and runs his hands through his hair. "Exactly! Everything I make is amazing. My whole life I've been told I'm an amazing cook. It's always been my secret weapon with the ladies-sorry babe." I start to tell him it's fine, but he's already talking again. "My favorite thing about traveling is the food, and I want to be able to recreate it when I get home, and I fucking failed at that the other day and it's bothering me."

It's like he just poured ice water over me. I can tell he looks nervous waiting for my response, so I pull myself together.

"Alright, you go to this class and make Hawaiian pizza your bitch."

He pulls me into a tight hug and tells me he loves me.

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><p>My eyes burn as I look at the red twelve on my alarm. Twelve becomes three, and the burn gets worse, but I can't bring myself to close my eyes.<p>

Crushing the spirit of someone you love kind of fucks you up, you know?


	4. Chapter 4

**Decided to go ahead and upload the next (super short) ****chapter. I am intentionally vague about Bella's strategies because I am aware that at times those with eating disorders seek out additional strategies online. I do not want to contribute to that. I will post chapter 5 next Thursday.**

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><p>When I'm done packing Edward's suitcase I run myself a bath.<p>

Rose and Edward are hanging out in the living room watching Netflix. I know she hasn't seen him in forever so I invited her over and then disappeared.

Rose has a wide smile when she sees me. "Edward has been bragging…more than usual."

"When is he not?" I scoff

"He said it's only a matter of time before he gets his own cooking show."

Edward can't stop smiling. "That's right, and you know why? I stayed up all damn night perfecting what was originally a disastrous pizza, and I woke up and only two pieces were left." He says proudly. "I learned a new technique in class, and I think that did it. I'm back in business. We can all agree to forget the Hawaiian pizza disaster of 2014."

Rose and I roll our eyes at the same time.

Once they resume the movie I head to the bathroom again. I turn out the lights and lay in the empty bathtub. My clothes are getting damp because the tub is still a little wet.

I'm tired of hearing about this damn pizza. This fucking issue kept my eyes burning for a week. I hated that I made Edward feel like he failed. I hated that he thought me disliking a dish was failure. That shows how much he loves me. He loved me enough to stay up until three am making it over again so that I could experience a beautiful culture with him.

_Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. _I chanted over and over again that night as I shoved the majority of the pizza down the apartment trash shoot, and as his eyes brightened and he gave me that perfect smile when he only found a small portion in the fridge the next day.

He is not a failure. He will never be a failure.

I have to protect him.

I eventually pull myself out of the tub and lay my head in Rose's lap; Edwards takes my feet in his.

Rose strokes my hair and Edward squeezes my ankle every now and again.

I know they'll see a difference soon, so I'm loving this moment.

"I'm sorry." I can't help but whisper it out loud.

Edward and Rose look at me at the same time-confused, but I keep my unwavering stare on the screen.


	5. Damn Denim

**Hello everyone! Thank you so much for your kind reviews. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend and I'll post chapter 6 next Thursday.**

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><p>My thighs always goes first, or so the measuring tape tells me.<p>

Rose is painting my nails so we can test out the best color. We decide that light pink is best way to go. I know Rose will do an amazing job with this wedding, even if it makes no sense that she wants to focus on my nail color first instead of the date and venue. But, then again, she's paying special attention to the little things she knows I will freak out over last minute.

I lift my feet and shove my toes in her face "paint these!"

When she smacks them down, her bracelet catches on my jeans.

I'm confused when she pauses and takes a deep breath.

"Okay, so you went on a twenty minute rant about how ugly boyfriend jeans are when I got a pair about a year ago, and then you ran out and got your own?" Rose says in disbelief.

I'm about to ask her what she's talking about, but I catch on quickly. "Yeah, they grew on me."

"So are you done with regular jeans now?"

"Yeah, I just feel like it's more boho, and I'm looking to switch up my style a bit."

"I kind of feel like switching it up, too. I'm going to check out a pair at the mall tomorrow." She goes on "What movie are we watching, babes? It should be something disturbing because it's almost Halloween."

I pick _Black Swan_; it's my favorite.

This is my way of letting Rose in without saying a word.

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><p>After talking with Edward this morning I decide to lay back down. My headache is a little less intense today, so that's a positive, and I get to stay in bed all day because it's a Saturday.<p>

Right before I'm about to drift off to sleep, my eyes go wide when I hear Rose's heels click on the wooden floors, getting closer and closer to my room.

She slides in beside me.

"Let's nap and then go to the mall. We have a lot to do today."

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><p>"I look beyond dumb right now, dude."<p>

No she doesn't. She always looks great, but her self-esteem took a beating from her asshole ex.

We're trying on dresses for the engagement party.

"Rose, you look so good. Have you noticed that employee has checked in five times in the past ten minutes?"

She gets that smug grin. "True, true."

I turn around to go fetch her a blue dress I saw earlier that would really work on her skin tone, maybe the color change will make her like them more.

When I come back into the dressing room the hovering worker is checking in on Rose again.

"Can you find me a pair of jeans like the ones my friend is wearing?" she asks. He looks me up and down.

"Those aren't boyfriend, they're bootcut." My heart starts beating a little fast.

Rose looks at him like he's stupid.

"No…those two jeans fit you in different ways."

"I think I would know, ma'am."

Rose turns red, and that the vein in her forehead becomes prominent. "Take another look, man! Her jeans are super baggy, that's the boyfriend cut. Boot cut jeans are tight around the leg, and lose around the ankle." Rose looks proud as she finishes her educational fashion speech.

Unfortunately this guy doesn't back down easily. "I'm not going to sit her and argue with you over jean styles. You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Okay forget it! I'm not going to spend money in a store where an employee gets a little pissy if I disagree with them. Let's go, Bella." She storms out and I follow with the purse that she forgets.

Rose has a very short temper. I didn't think the guy was that bad, but I'm glad he pissed her off.

"How are you going to work in a store that specializes in denim and not even know the difference between jean types? I'm glad I saved my money. I'm calling the 800 number on the receipt. Fucking idiot! And don't worry, babe, we'll still find amazing dresses," She takes another deep breath and continues her rant. "He's checking me out the whole time and then he wants to talk to me like I'm stupid?! I am done with that. Royce always tried to make me think I was an idiot. Pass me my phone, Bella." Of course I don't. I don't want to cost this poor guy his job.

Besides, I owe him. If he hadn't of set Rose off, maybe she would have figured it out. Maybe she would have started asking some questions.

I already lied to Edward, I'm not ready to start lying to Rose yet.

In a sick way, that employee saved me.


	6. Slamming Doors

EPOV

I'm surprised to see that Rose is the one that's going to be picking me up from the airport today. She hugs me and takes my bag, and I don't bothering arguing with her.

We are stuck in traffic and all I see in front of me is the steady stream of red lights. I am also quite nauseas because Rose keeps speeding up and then slamming on breaks. She's also biting her nails, which is very rare.

"What's up, Rose? Don't even bother being evasive, you know you'll just end up caving and telling me."

This earns me a raised eyebrow. I can't help but comment.

"Damn, Rose, go easy with that eyebrow pencil thing, it looks like two caterpillars up there."

"I'm going for a Cara Delevingne look, fool."

"Alright, enough of that. Tell me what the hell is going on with you."

"Royce called."

It takes everything in me not to break the window with my damn fist, but I manage to do some deep breathing and calm myself down.

"Rose, you can't go back to him. He was abusive."

"He never hit me, Edward, you know I would have told you."

"I know, but he still talked to you and treated you like you were trash. You are worth more than that. I've seen you grow so much in the past year, Rose. Don't regress. Please, please don't. What brought this on?"

"It's the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for you guys. Ya'll are my best friends, it's just that it makes me want what you guys have so badly. You're perfect."

I can't help but let out a loud laugh. "Rose, we are not perfect."

"Yes, you guys are perfect!"

"No we're fucking not!" I snap.

Rose's eyes go wide with question.

"I'm-Bella has been acting strange lately. We don't have sex anymore, which is so unlike us, and she looks so fucking sad all the time. I'm worried that maybe she regrets saying yes to my proposal."

It feels good to get this off my chest, but I hate saying this out loud because it makes it more real.

"Edward, please listen closely. You are everything to Bella. Did you ever stop to think that maybe she's having a hard time because her mom isn't around for the wedding?"

"At least she still has her dad to walk her down the isle."

Rose sighs "It's great her dad is still around, but there is nothing like having a mother."

I guess she's right. I wouldn't be able to function without my mother.

"You need to loosen up, E! Let's go get some drinks."

When she sees me start to dial Bella, she grabs my phone.

"Don't wake her up! I need her well-rested. Tomorrow we are going try on some more wedding dresses."

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><p>Two hours later we're downing shots and dancing like idiots on the bar. It feels really fun to let loose, but eventually Rose has to drag me out.<p>

Rose supports me as I stumble down the apartment hall and she won't stop making comments about what a lightweight I am. I am having trouble finding my key so I bang on the door,

"What the fuck Edward?! You're going to wake Bella up. I'll use my key!"

"Sorry," I giggle.

The door swings open and Bella shakes her head as she looks me up and down.

"Thank you for bringing my boy home, Rose. It's so late. Do you want to sleep over?"

As usual Rose doesn't deny the opportunity to sleep over and takes her usual spot on the couch and Bella covers her with a blanket.

When I get to the bedroom I'm surprised to see papers all over the bed, and it doesn't look slept in.

Bella is quick to apologize and clear everything off.

"I've been so swamped with work."

I hum and hug her from behind. "You smell so good, baby, and I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too, and I want to hear all about your trip!" She slips out of my embrace and gets on her side of the bed.

I kiss down her neck and tell her that we can talk later.

"I'm tired, Edward."

"It's been two weeks. That's not like us."

She rips the covers back and jumps out of bed.

"I'm not your fuck-toy! I have been swamped with work and I don't feel like it and- you know what? Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you. You're always gone and then you come back and you think I can just drop everything and have sex with you?! Get out."

I blink a couple of times to make sure I'm awake. Is this really happening?

"Bella, we don't talk to each other like this. Knock it off. "

"Don't talk to me like a child. You went to a bar and got trashed, instead of coming home to me," She screams.

"You have never minded me and Rose going to the bar without you. What is your fucking problem?"

My buzz is wearing off, and I'm starting to see her a bit more clearly. Her face is shining with sweat, and her hair looks greasy.

"Are you sick? Is that why you're so irritable?"- This makes her even more angry.

"I'm upset because you are not understanding me!"

A haggard looking Rose enters our bedroom.

"Chill, B. Don't be so rough on poor Ed."

Bella's eyes narrow into slits.

She grabs us both by the arms and walks us to the hallway.

"I have an idea. Fuck Edward for me. Maybe if he can get off, he'll stop bugging me." The bedroom door slams closed.

Rose and I walk to the couch in a trance.

"What the fuck? Who was that woman?"

"I'll talk to her tomorrow when we go out."

"Something's wrong."

"She's fine. She's just tired, and stressed from the wedding," Rose Says.

I can tell from the worry in her eyes that she doesn't believe a word she's saying.

I decide to play along.

"Yeah, once she gets some rest she'll feel better."

Even with that said, we both stay frozen in place staring at the wall, both us of silently wrestling with an unrelenting fear.

_We should've listening to our guts._

_We would always regret that we didn't._


	7. Back to Me

**Hey guys!**

**I hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to elaborate a little more on why I chose to write this story. In school, the subject of eating disorders was kind of just brushed over, and in health classes, it was made to seem like it was something temporary that all girls going through puberty experience, but this is not true. It's a life-long disease, and it affects men as well as women.**

**I watched an HBO documentary titled: "THIN" and it forever changed me. It's about several women who struggle with eating disorders, and gives one a look inside of their world. (It can be watched on Youtube)**

**I want to tell one girl's story, and it shouldn't matter if this is based on me or anyone else, what matters is that Bella fights through this. This story will have a lot of struggle, but trust me, Bella is going to fight tooth and nail to get her life back.**

**I want this story to help anyone in the darkness. I want this story to let someone inside of the world of someone struggling with this monster. I want people to gain perspective, and I want people to learn.**

**I remember always using fanfiction to escape my reality in the dark times, because most of the time things are fluffy and perfect in fanfiction, but I thought about how amazing it would be to make fanfiction a mirror, and to bring the characters into some of our lives.**

**I am so thankful that fanfiction exist, and that I have the opportunity to create. I wish you all the best. Now, onto the chapter!**

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><p>I place the pitcher of orange juice on the table, and put the finishing touches on the meal that I have prepared for Edward and Rose.<p>

I have butterflies in my stomach as I walk into the living room. I can't help but smile when I see what a mess both of them are.

I clear my throat loudly and they both begin to stir. "I was a bitch last night."

"Yeah you were," Rose says in her raspy voice, and then yelps when Edward elbows her in the side.

"I have been stressed and I took it out on you guys. I'm not proud of it, and so this breakfast is me apologizing."

Edward smirks, and it relaxes me because I know that I am forgiven. He then says, "I'm insulted! You think food will buy our forgiveness? I mean you're right, but you didn't have to say it."

I tell them that I ate as I was cooking.

I'm hypnotized by the butter melting-sliding down the pancakes, and the steam coming off of the eggs.

My head is pounding, and I should take some medicine, but the pain is something to hold onto, it's something to distract me from the twist in my stomach.

They'll start seeing soon and I can't do a thing about it.

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><p>I am just waking up from a nap when Rose walks through my bedroom door.<p>

"Put on your red lipstick, B, because we are going out!"

"I'm exhausted, Rose."

"Don't care! We are going out! Edward will meet us there. It will be fun."

This isn't fun. Rose and Edward are drunk. I've been throwing my shots behind me, but they are too far-gone to notice.

Edward stumbles to the bathroom, so I'm stuck listening to Rose go on a drunken rant.

A hand rest on Rose's shoulder, and when I look up I see that it's Royce. He is such a fucking pest.

"Go away, Royce."

"Let me talk to my girl."

"She's not your girl, you crazy asshole."

"Royce, I-I was so good to you, and you just-" Rose burst into tears, and I feel nothing but rage.

I'm always on edge these days, and he's really the last straw on the camel's back.

He's telling her it's okay, like she's the one that should be sorry. She's so drunk and needy, and he's taking advantage of that.

So I do the only thing that makes sense, and these days what makes sense to me is kind of fucked up.

I break a bottle on his face

He's bleeding and screaming

My heart is beating fast, and the little energy I have in me is burning up quick.

Rose is crying

"What did you do?! " Edward screams. When did he get back?

I start to tell him that I did what made sense

But before I can get it out, there's darkness

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><p><strong>Two weeks Later<strong>

"Hey, Barbara! Edward forgot this draft at home, so I wanted to bring it by."

"Oh thanks honey! Why don't you go in and give it to him? It's a light day and he'd love to see you."

"No! It's okay. I need to get back to the office."

"Alright, dear. Are you coming to my Halloween party this weekend?"

"Of course! I've really gotta run, but I'll see you soon." I start to turn around, but Barbara grabs my hand.

"Bella, I just wanted to tell you that no one blames you, honey. We all know how terrible Royce is. I don't see you any differently." There is so much kindness in her eyes.

Yeah, she's right. I did the right thing, and I may be getting smaller, but I'm getting stronger. I had the courage to put Royce in his place and he will never mess with Rose again.

_You're Fine._

_You're Evolving._

_This is Great._

I almost forgot what a smooth talker my old friend is.

Yes, I almost forgot what a fucking manipulative smooth talker this bitch on my back is.

* * *

><p>Edward and I decide to dress up as Harry and Hermione for Barbara's Halloween Party.<p>

We pick up Rose on the way. She's dressed up as some woman from _Game of Thrones._

It's pretty crowded so we have to park at the end of the development and walk a ways to Barbara's house.

"We are only staying at this old bag's house for two hours tops, and then we are going out to get dru-"

I'm confused when she stops, but I see that Edward is giving her a death stare.

He doesn't want me drinking for a while.

I grab his hand and give him a reassuring smile.

I know he's trying to protect me.

When we finally get to the house, Barbara is ecstatic. I introduce Rose to Edward's co-worker, Riley, and then leave them to mingle.

I'm outside looking at the full moon when I feel Edward hug me from behind.

"I love you, Bella, and I can't wait to marry you."

I turn around to kiss him and I can't stop kissing him. I want to go home because I finally feel in the mood.

"Oh, Bella! Come here, dear."

"Later," I whisper to Edward as we walk inside.

"I want you to try my dirt cake. Your friend Rose is a very uh-avid fan..."

Rose is sitting on the loveseat with cake smudged around her mouth and then says, "This cake rocks, Grandma!" I'm almost certain she's emptied her flask.

"I wanted you to try it! Edward tells me that you have an affinity for sweets."

"I do and this looks amazing, but I'm not too hungry now." Her shoulders droop. "But wrap some up for me and I'll take it home."

Her warm eyes are bright again, as they should be. "Sure thing, dear."

* * *

><p>When we get home, Edward can't get me undressed fast enough.<p>

When we make it to the bedroom, I'm sure to cut the lights off.

I strip down to my underwear and get under the covers.

In a flash Edward is next to me, and then on top of me kissing down my stomach.

When he finally makes it to where I want it most, he kisses and sucks and strokes and it's so right, and he knows how to turn me inside out.

I pull him up so that he is on top of me and try to guide him inside, but he stops me.

"I want you on top, sweetheart." He whispers

I'm glad he stopped me because it reminds me to reach into the bedside drawer.

"What are you doing?"

I don't answer and attempt to distract him with kisses while I try to put the condom on him.

He grabs my arms and holds me in place. "Bella, what are you doing? We never use condoms."

"I haven't been taking my birth control."

"Okay…why?"

"I don't know, I just always forget, so I decided that this would be better. We can just use one whenever we decide to have sex."

"What happened to the daily reminder you got on your phone?"

"I've also been stressing, and I read that stress can make it ineffective."

"Did you ask your doctor if that's true? I just feel like condoms are dangerous, like, they could easily break and we said we don't want to have kids for a while, so I think you should go back on the pill."

"Okay!" I snap.

"I don't care if you get an attitude," He snaps back.

I try to start kissing him again but he stops me.

"I don't want to do this until you're back on the pill."

"I'm finally in the mood and you don't want to."

"I'm just trying to stick to the plan, Bella. No kids yet. We both said that's what we wanted."

I rip the covers back and grab my pillow "I'm sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Whatever, Bella."

I slam the door on my way out.

**EPOV**

I wake up around four and go out to the living room and to the couch.

I kneel down so that I'm face to face with Bella. Her eyes immediately pop open.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. I've missed being intimate with you too, I just got a little scared. Come back to bed."

When we're back in bed she gets on top of me. I try to take off her nightshirt but she stops me.

I work my hands over her breast, "I want to see them."

She gives me a small smile and tells me she's cold, which is weird because she's sweating, but it doesn't matter because it's so fucking nice to be connected again.

She works herself over me, and it's so good, so soft, so Bella.

We explode together.

Post-orgasm warmth surrounds me, but she's a little cold.

I go to the bathroom to get rid of the condom and when I come back I see that Bella has fallen asleep.

I don't remember not one night in all the time we've been together, that Bella has slept with her back to me.

I guess there's a first time for everything.


	8. Falling Stars

**Hello Everyone, I hope your week has been going well and that everyone has a great weekend. Thank you all so much for your kind, insightful reviews. **

**To the reviewer Alison: thank you so much for the amazing words that you wrote. Thank you for being so brave and sharing what you went through. I also really loved that you encouraged anyone else who is struggling. From your kind words I can tell you are an amazing person and I hope you are doing well.**

* * *

><p>I can't take the silence.<p>

He keeps looking at me like he wants to say something, but I'm sure the stoic expression on my face keeps him quiet.

It goes on for two weeks. For two fucking weeks we are routine robots around each other.

It's easier when I stay late at work because he's asleep when I get home.

Tonight when I walk in he's wide-awake, lying on his back. It's awkward and I'm quick to grab my pajamas and run to the bathroom.

The shower is where I greet solitude. The warm stream soothes me and the world doesn't matter. The calm always comes to an abrupt ending when the water shuts off, but that's fine. I don't deserve peace, not when I'm hurting the people I love.

I'm always so cold these days, so I get into bed wearing my fluffy robe, a gift from Edward's mother.

I'm just about to doze off when I hear him.

"I need to know, Bella," he whispers.

My body gets hot and my heart is about to rip out of my chest.

"Need to know what?"

"I need to know that you still want this-us. I need to know that you still want to marry me. Don't wait until five minutes before you're supposed to walk down that altar. Don't hurt me like that. I need to know now."

I roll over so that I can look into his eyes. My hands hold his face.

"Edward, listen to me. I love you. I will always love you. I'm-I've just been missing my mom." _It's getting so easy to lie_

I continue, "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you and that means everything to me." This isn't a lie.

He sags in relief. While he makes love to me I do my best to be enthusiastic. I wrap myself around him before I fall asleep, and tonight I feel a little okay, aside from the bitch's whispers.

_He's in the way_

* * *

><p>I'm on the floor, scrolling through pinterest as Rose ordered me to do, looking for engagement party ideas. To me, it's not that serious, but at the same time, I want everything to be just right. I've only gone through about two pages when I feel tired again, so I decided to take a nap.<p>

I wake up to heavy footsteps in the foyer and deep laughs, so I assume Edward brought a buddy over.

Edward peaks his head into our room to see if I'm awake.

"Hey, baby, there's someone out here that I want you to see."

I begrudgingly leave my warm cocoon and head to the kitchen.

Warm arms wrapped around me, and as soon as the smell the cologne I know.

_Oh, god_

"I've missed you, sweetheart."

An hour later we're sitting at the kitchen table and I'm doing my best not to explode.

"Bella's been a little down, so I thought it would be good if you came out for a visit, Charlie."

"It's not like seeing one parent can make you not miss the other, Edward," I snap.

"Cut it out, kid. Edward meant well," Charlie says.

Seeing Edward's frustrated expression and remembering the conversation we had last night, I do my best to control my irritation. "I'm sorry, baby. Thank you." He smiles and holds my hand for the rest of dinner.

They picked up Chinese on the way home.

I'm running low. I'm running very, very low, so I force a little down. The grease is relentless as it slides down my throat.

Edward and my dad talk about things I don't care about. They stopped and got some movies on the way home so we stay up late watching those.

I get up around three in the morning to get some water and the kitchen and living room are lit up with blue from the TV. Charlie is looking at, but not seeing the television. I gravitate towards him and sit down obediently when he pats the cushion beside him.

Red-rimmed eyes filled with hopelessness swing my way.

"You eating, Bella?"


	9. Sick

"How could you do this?!"

"Bella, why are you screaming?"

"Because my dad is in my house and you didn't even tell me he was coming."

"I wanted to surprise you."

I stand with my hands on my hips, refusing to calm down.

"So you're not going out to dinner with us? Your father came all the way out here and you're going to be rude?

"I'm understandably upset, Edward. Don't make me sound irrational."

"You know what-,"Edward sighs.

"Just forget it. We'll see you later."

* * *

><p>Dad and I are sitting in the living room after he gets home from being out with Edward.<p>

"He's a great guy, Bella."

"Yes, Dad, he is."

"A really nice, respectable young man," he continues

"Which is why you need to get yourself together."

"What are you talking about?"

Charlie sighs.

"I spent all that money sending you to that facility and you get back into it again?"

"It's not some entertaining game that I play, Charlie. I can't help it.

"Yes, you can. I'm going to have to tell Edward."

"No you won't. This is none of your business!"

"You don't understand anything. That's why mom hated you."

Charlie had heard so many terrible things from me that this didn't even phase him.

"Yeah well keep it up and I'll have to bury you right next to her."

"I think you need to fucking go, Mr. Swan."

I jump and turn around to see red-faced Rose.

Charlie sighs and goes outside on the patio to see Edward. I don't even have the energy to panic.

I have to deal with Rose.

* * *

><p>I can't stop crying. My face is red and burning and snot is running down my face and I can't stop crying.<p>

I'm going to break her heart.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"Bella, you have to open your mouth. You have to tell me what's going on so that I can help you."

"You can't tell Edward."

It's not fair what I'm asking her- to keep this secret from her best friend, but she nods her head in agreement anyways.

"When my mom died, I tried to kill myself."

_This isn't a complete lie, right?_

Rose looks like she's been punched in the stomach.

"I-I was in a bad place and I just didn't see the point anymore."

She's hugging me and sobbing.

"I'm just getting a little sad because she's not here for the wedding, and Charlie is scared I'll hurt myself again."

"Are you, Bella? Are you going to hurt yourself?"

"No, I'm just a bit sad. And you can read me better than anyone Rose, do I look depressed to you?"

"No, you don't. I know you're just really run down from work. You should just fill Charlie in."'

I take her face in my hands and promise her that I will.

We head to the bedroom and Rose cries herself to sleep, waking up every now and then. I have to keep stroking her hair and telling her that everything's okay.

But how is everything okay when you decide that it's better to admit to a false suicide attempt than reveal your real secret?

I didn't try to kill myself.

I wasn't trying to fucking die.

Just because it's a side effect doesn't mean it's the goal.

So sick and twisted when you're desensitized to death as a side effect.

So sick and twisted when you are relieved when your father gives up on you.

It's sick, but I'm not.


	10. Grip

Chapter 11

It's always been very important to me that I never say I'm broken. I feel like when you admit shit like that, it becomes real.

I've been doing everything and nothing at all. Movie marathons, more wedding planning with Rose, more assuring Rose that I'm okay. But that numbness has settled inside me. Honestly, it's kind of a relief. When you don't have numbness, you have to be so fucking aware of everything. There is no escape.

Edward slams his hand down on the kitchen table. "Bella!"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Where the hell are you right now? I'm about to put a three-thousand dollar deposit down for the venue and you're not paying attention."

"I'm tired, Edward."

"Yeah, well that makes no fucking sense. All you do is sleep." I hate hearing him sound so bitter, but I know it's my fault.

All of our sex is angry sex. I'm sore afterwards but I like it. It's like he's trying to fuck the gloom away. He can't, but I love him for trying.

"I have to go back to work to meet with some publishers, and I won't be leaving work until late tonight."

I nod my head and he starts talking to me like a child.

"That means you have to drop this check off, okay?"

"Okay, Edward. I promise I will."

He sighs, kisses my forehead and then leaves.

* * *

><p>I'm startled when I hear a loud knock on my office door. I'm even more scared when I realize it's fucking Judy. She's the craziest person alive, but also a mathematic genius, I have double-checked her numbers for the past couple of years and I've never found a mistake. No one likes her, but she doesn't care. She just floats through life.<p>

"Bella!"

"…yes?"

"We are the only ones working hard in this place." I can't disagree with her. Everyone else took the opportunity to leave early, but her and I are still powering through.

"Come out, tonight."

I start to say no, but then I'm like.._why the fuck not?_

* * *

><p>"You work out during lunch, baby?" Edward scoffs.<p>

"What?"

"You've been taking that little duffle bag to work a lot."

I've never found his observance more annoying than now.

"Oh yeah, It's that time of the month and it's said that it's best if you work out to alleviate cramps."

"Alright, well don't overdue it. You're just looking kind of small already, Bella. I don't know if it's stress or what."

"Yeah, I know, but the holidays will thicken me right back up. Especially with all your cooking this time of year."

This makes him smile.

"Yeah, well get ready because I'm pulling out all stops."

I can't get out of the apartment fast enough.

* * *

><p>Judy is grinding with some drunken fool and laughing loudly for no reason. I do my best to tune her out.<p>

I fucking love club lights. The colors look wonderful on my skin and I feel so fucking alive.

* * *

><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

"Edward, a young man named Riley is here to see you."

I tell my assistant Annie to send him in.

"Hey, Riley."

"Hey, Edward. Cool office."

"Thanks, I feel like it's less boring with colorful paintings on the wall."

"Very cool…" He's rubbing his neck and he looks like he's sweating.

"Look, I don't want to overstep but…Bella has been kind of off lately. Her work is still great but…look man if I were you, I would want to know, and I'm friends with you and Bella, but I've known you longer…"he trails off.

"Alright, Riley what's going on? You're starting to scare me."

He takes a deep breath and then he finally says it. "Bella has been going out like every night with the office-loon, Judy."

"What to dinner? I don't care about that, dude, she's been working so hard."

Riley's eye-rolling has me concerned.

"Work has been pretty light lately."

"She told me you guys were working on the Everest project."

"We finished that like a month ago, Edward."

"Riley, I really appreciate this. And look we'll have to hang out sometime soon okay?"

I'm sure my smile has Riley thinking I've lost my mind. He turns around slowly and walks towards the door.

"Alright, take it easy, man. Call me if you need me."

When he's out of sight I fly to my desk and turn on my phone. I type the same message that I've typed every day this week.

**What time will you be home tonight?**

And I get the same response, but this time I fucking know.

**Late, you know that this project is kicking my ass. Xx**

I slam my fist into my keyboard, and then type on the shaky keys looking for Judy's social media. I seriously doubt it's set to private.

I find all I need.

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

This will never get old.

"Bella, you are fucking awesome. I always saw you as this demure, little brunette , but I'm glad I was wrong."

I wish she would shut up. She's ruining it.

Soon the vibrations take me away again.

A strong grip comes around my arm and before I know it I'm out in the freezing cold parking lot.

It was too much, too fast, and my sight is blurry.

I go to get the mace Edward put on my house keys, but I'm shocked when I look up and see that it's him in front of me, pacing frantically.

"Did you know that Angela wanted to get back together?"

"Edward?"

"Shut the fuck up, Bella."

"In college. She wanted me back, and I loved her, and it would have been so easy to go back, but I didn't because I saw something in you, and I wanted to give it a shot, and I never regretted that. I never once fucking regretted leaving all the familiar and easy for you, not until tonight." He stops and looks at me. And I will always hate myself for putting that pain there.

"Edward! Please"

"I'm working long hours to pay for our fucking wedding and I'm thinking that you're doing the same when really you're doing God knows what with God knows who inside of a club. I am so fucking tired of this."

He tells me it's time to go home.

We pull into the apartment garage and Edward is staring straight ahead. I get out and start walking to the building, but stop and turn around when I realize he isn't with me.

"Why aren't you getting out?"

"I packed a duffle bag of my own, Bella. I'm going to stay at Rose's for a while."

"Please, Edward!"

"Please go inside. I don't want to say something terrible that I can't take back. I'll call you when I'm ready. But know this, Isabella Swan: If you step back into that fucking club, we are done. Do you hear me?"

"Yes," I whisper.

He's bitter, but he still waits until I'm inside to speed off.

I'm losing my grip.


	11. Bath Salts

**Hey guys, thank you so much for your amazing words, you guys don't know how great they make me feel, especially when I'm feeling a little down. Seeing all your positive words pulled me out of my sadness. I decided to post another chapter today. I will post again on ****Thursday. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. **

* * *

><p>I'm wrapped in my bed blankets, and this feels so good. It's dark and I'm warm. I had some black-out blinds installed so it can be nighttime anytime I want it to.<p>

The darkness is a comfort, but when my blankets are ripped away from me I become frantic because I have no idea who did it, until they turn the light on.

"Get up, Bella! Get the fuck up." Rose is breathing heavily and she's wearing sweatpants and I don't recognize her.

She walks to the master bathroom and her voice echoes as she continues, "Do you know what your fiancé has been doing for the past two weeks? Worrying about you. And you haven't messaged me not once to see how he is."

"Rose, I'm giving him some time."

She's fierce as she whips her hair around and stares at me.

"Please talk to me," she begs

"I went out clubbing with a girl from work and he freaked out, okay? What did I do that was so wrong?"

"You fucking lied, Bella. You hurt him."

"I didn't mean to! He hurt me too. He threw his ex back in my face."

"That's not Edward! So think about how hurt he must have been to stoop that low."

When she bends down I think that she's coming to hug me, but instead she lifts me up.

She places me in the bathtub. How did I not hear her running the water?

"What the fuck, Rose?! I'm still in my pajamas."

"Then take them off. " She's challenging me.

I laugh "what, are you into me or something?"

"Take them off, Isabella."

I can't. I cannot do that.

"What is wrong with you? You come storming into my house and then you try to force me to take a bath? You didn't even add any bath salts!" I try to joke.

She leans down and looks me in the eye

"I don't let people disrespect my friends. After Charlie said what he said I couldn't get it out of my mind. I hated that I didn't yell at him as much as I should have for making you feel guilty about a _suicide_ attempt." She does digging under the cabinet and gets my bath salts out. She starts throwing the containers into the tub violently. For the first time in my life, I'm scared of her.

"So I flew out there." She reaches into the water and yanks my sweatshirt up. I don't even stop her because I'm still trying to process what she said.

I can't breath and my heart is going to explode.

"I flew out to Washington and I was banging on his door at three o'clock in the morning. He opened the door with his rifle, but I wasn't even phased, I was so fucking angry at him for hurting you, for hurting my sister.

Next my silk pajama bottoms are thrown out of the tub, landing in a sopping pile on the floor.

Rose starts crying when she sees me, really sees me.

" I just started yelling and I said everything that I thought about on the plane, but you know what your dad did Bella?'

"wh-what?" I whisper

"He hugged me, and he started crying and he said: _she got you, too_"

My sobs shake me so hard that water starts falling out of the tub.

"So understand this Isabella Swan: I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Edward's here, and unaware, but we're going to change that-" she gives me a pointed look and then continues "and him and I are going to be here together. I'm not letting this fucking thing destroy you. Do you understand me?"

A part of me hates her, but a bigger part of me loves her.

"Yes," I whisper.


	12. Spasm

**Posting this today, because tomorrow I won't be able to. I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!**

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

I woke up today tired. Sleep was just slipping away and I looked up to the ceiling and a tear rolled down my face, but I didn't even realize I was crying.

I think something breaks inside of you when someone knows your deepest secret. It makes you so vulnerable. It's not just yours anymore.

Rose is waiting for me to get ready. It's been five minutes since she checked in so I know she'll be peaking her head in again in thirty seconds.

I slide of the bed onto the floor and look up at the ceiling again.

"Bella, what are you doing? It's time to go."

"I'm-"

"Look, you don't have to explain, but you need to get ready okay?"

"I'll be out in five minutes. Love you."

She sags in relief. I know she's been worried that things would change between us, but they can't, they just can't. "I love you too, Bella. I'll go wait in the car."

I put on a dress, which swallows me like a potato-sack. I put my coat on top and wrap the scarf around my neck that Edward got me from Germany.

I take a deep breath, count to five, and then exhale.

This has to be done.

* * *

><p>Rose unlocks the door and enters her apartment before I do. She's immediately greeted by Edward.<p>

"Hey, you are just in time. I made pancakes."

I don't like how jealous I feel. I know that Edward and Rose don't see each other that way. It's just that I haven't had his attention for two weeks. He calls me to make sure I get home from work okay, but that's it. No "I love you" And that's okay, because I think right now that he loves me, but he's not in love with me, which is my fault.

Edward continues "I put some vanilla in the batter, but I wonder if it will make a difference-" He stops as soon as he sees me.

He turns to glares at Rose who is now in the kitchen "I told you I'm not ready to see her yet."

"Edward, this is bigger than you. So, I'm going to take these pancakes and my book and I'll be in my car if you guys need me."

"No, Rose! I need you here with me. I can't tell him alone," I whisper furiously.

I hate putting her in the middle, but she sighs and agrees to stay.

"Edward, sit down please." He does, but he won't look at me.

"I'm sorry, baby. I am so sorry. I was wrong."

"Yes, you were fucking wrong, You were lying to me about needing to stay after for work. We don't lie to each other Bella."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I understand that I'll need to earn your trust back."

"Why would you rather go out to a club than spend time with me?"

"It wasn't you, it was just that I wanted to let loose a little bit. I'm really stressed-"

He jumps up off the couch and starts pacing around the living room. Rose has her eyes glued to the floor.

"What are you stressed about?! Riley told me that you guys finished the project ages ago, and you and Rose haven't even been doing much for the wedding. You don't sleep, you are losing weight like crazy, and you won't talk to me! What the hell is going on?!"

I want to open my mouth, but I can't. I look to Rose helplessly. She shouldn't have to tell him, but I don't think I can. She's up and wrapping her arms around me in a flash. "He loves you, and he will want you get well just as much as me You have to tell him." After one more squeeze she lets go.

"If I say it out loud it's real."

"What are you talking about, Bella?" Edward is getting more and more frustrated.

"You'll never see me the same way again, you'll see me as defective."

Large hands cradle my face. "Listen to me, you're scaring me. If something serious is going on you can tell me. I love you, always."

"Are you in love with me?" I ask shakily

"Yes. I will always be in love with you."

For the first time since I've arrived he looks into my eyes and I know this is the moment.

"I'm sick, Edward."


	13. Bulge

Traitors.

Fucking Traitors.

My roommate rocks back and forth. Her stringy, blonde hair is disgusting and I hate her, but not more than I hate _them._

I glance at the clock and see that I only have 2 hours until weigh-in. I don't even get to know my own fucking weight.

They abused my love. Threatened me with their absences if I didn't come here.

I took a thirty-minute nap and that's all the time they needed to devise this plan. I was exhausted from telling my fiancé my biggest, ugliest secret and decided to take a nap.

I woke up to an intervention. I also saw Charlie. Charlie was there. Charlie who lives four hours away was there. Which means that Rose told him to come. Rose had a fucking plan.

She wasn't even angry when I slapped her, because she won.

She got what she wanted all along.

She turned Edward against me. She poisoned his mind and convinced him that I was crazy and now I'm here with a roommate who has disgusting stringy, blonde hair, and I'm two hours away from standing on a cold scale.

Fucking traitors.

* * *

><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

How do you not notice the love of your life isn't eating?

I didn't see her. I didn't _see_ her. I saw what I wanted to see. When she was naked I was so happy we were being intimate that I didn't even pay attention to her body.

I failed her.

We failed her.

The letter she sent me remains unopened on the counter. At first , the bulge in the envelope peaked my curiosity, but I knew what it was as soon as I ran my thumb over it. If I don't open the letter, then I can still pretend.

I can still pretend that the ring is on her finger, and that we have a future.


	14. Sliver

**WARNING: A disturbing story will be told when Bella is in the "Circle" meeting. I will also post a warning within the story in bold font. I will also write when that story ends, I will write "END*****" so that anyone who did not want to read it can pick back up.**

****I'm posting a chapter today because I wasn't able to post last Thursday. I will also be posting again this upcoming Thursday.****

****If you are fighting to overcome an addiction or disease of any kind: keep fighting. You are in my prayers. It will all be worth it and you have the strength inside of yourself even if you think you don't. You are not alone. At least one other person in this world believes in you and that's me.****

* * *

><p>"I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself, Isabella," doctor Margaret whispers softly.<p>

"It's not that I don't want help. I'm just angry. I can't see past what they did to me."

"What did they do?" she asks

"They left me here. They betrayed me."

"Isabella you are in a recovery facility. How is it betrayal if they wanted you to get better?"

"They did this on purpose. They locked me away so I could be together."

"Do you really think that's true?"

I know it's not true. I know it's not true. _Rose is our sister._ That's what Edward and I were always saying, but I don't fucking trust them anymore. I can't after this.

"No," I confess

"They brought you here so you could get help Isabella. They were willing to accept that you would hate them if it meant you could get better. I want you to think about that today."

"Whatever," I snap.

It's all I think about all damn day.

Fuck you, Margaret.

* * *

><p>"I want my ring back. I don't want to see you, but I want my ring back. It's you and not you at the same time- and I don't fucking know, but please just send me my ring back."<br>"Okay," he whispers gently.

We just sit there listening to each other breath. I close my eyes and get lost in him.

* * *

><p>Circle time makes me feel some kind of way. I hate that they call it "circle time". It's embarrassing. We're not in the third grade.<p>

"Welcome to circle time, everyone! We are here to discuss anything you guys want: goals, struggles, loneliness- and it all stays in this room. Remember you can't talk without the talking stick." When Crystal finishes her daily speech she smiles at all of us for an awkward amount of time.

I'm surprised when someone raises their hand for the talking stick immediately. It's usually a solid five minutes before someone works up the nerve.

It's this girl named Beth. Her hands shake as she grabs the stick. I hate when people are embarrassed because it makes me embarrassed too.

"Hey, guys."

"Hey, Beth." We all say.

"I'm having a really terrible day. Today marks two years-"she sucks in a harsh breath and her eyes start watering." She takes some deep breaths and starts when she's ready, again. "A year since I lost my daughter Samantha." Her sobs are ugly and harsh and they make my stomach twist.

**(Warning: Beth's story will be disturbing) Start******

"Whenever you're ready, Beth" Crystal says encouragingly.

"My ex-husband was an asshole. I divorced him after I had Beth because I didn't want her to grow up with an alcoholic in the house. But one day, this one day, I was so fucking ready to binge and there wasn't a babysitter or a family member I could call to watch her. So I called her fucking dad. I called her fucking alcoholic dad. He pulled up in his red mustang. He was sober when he picked her up, as he usually was in the morning. But I convinced myself that he was fine. I remember exactly what I ate. So much fucking pasta and so much fucking ice cream. I binged and I purged and I purged and I binged. I felt so fucking far away and it was fantastic. I lost myself for 5 hours. "

She stops to wipe her face, but it's no use. There is snot everywhere, and wiping it just makes it worse.

"I live about five minutes away from a hospital, so I always hear when the ambulances go by and I'm so used to it that they don't bother me. But this day I knew. Something told me this ambulance was for my Sammy." Now she's jabbing the talking stick into her leg over and over again.

"And there was that red mustang. Shiny and all twisted around a tree. My ex was dead when I got there, but I didn't care. I kept asking if Sammy was okay and they kept telling me they hadn't found her yet and it didn't register to me that her car seat was empty. He didn't strap her in, so she was ejected."

Cries of agony erupt around the room. I have to cover my mouth so I don't throw up.

"I went to the police and told them what I did. They kept telling me that there was no way for me to know that he was still a drunk since we hadn't been in contact since that, but they were wrong. A part of me fucking knew. They just kept playing it down because they thought I was blinded by grief and that I was trying to blame myself. But it definitely was my fault and I should have gone to fucking jail!"

**End*******

"Sammy is dead because of me. I chose this disease over Sammy. I want everyone in this fucking room to listen up: This shit doesn't just hurt us, it destroys everyone around us. I will never get to see my little girl again, but I fucking owe it to her to become the woman who she should have had as a mother. I'm going to fight the fuck out of this thing. "

My hand flies into the air for the talking stick and I know everyone thinks it's so inappropriate. With a shaky hand Beth passes it to me.

"I'm going to fucking fight with you, Beth."

For the first time in months, I feel strength. Just a sliver of it, but it's fucking there.


	15. Talk

**I love reading all of your thoughts! I really appreciate that so many of you are reading.**

**Happy Holidays, Everyone!**

* * *

><p>"I see you and Beth together quite a bit," Margaret says<p>

"She's my friend." I snap back

"Yes, Isabella, that's why I think it's so interesting. You've been very bitter for the majority of your time here, but you seem to be very happy around Beth. I want you to be careful Isabella."

"Why? " I ask. Of course she'll find something wrong with this.

"Because while I support your friendship, I want you two to encourage each other, not enable one another."

"You don't have to worry about that, Doc."

"She wants to get better for her daughter, and that's good. The things that we do to other people can open our eyes to who we've become, but the thing about getting better, is that you have to want to get better for you. It's good to have other influences, but your primary reason for recovery shouldn't be guilt."

"It's not guilt that driving me, but I do feel guilty for things I've done. I want to be healthy for me, and for Edward and Rose."

"Not Charlie?"

"I don't owe him anything."

"Why do you speak of your father with such contempt, Isabella? He wanted you here to recover as well."

"You know how you were talking about guilt?"

Margaret nods.

"Well Charlie always made me feel guilty that he had to pay for the hospital bills, and the other rehabilitation centers, I never felt like he really cared if I got better. I just felt like he wanted me out of his pocket."

"Well I think you should invite Charlie here so that we can all discuss this…Whenever you feel ready, okay?"

"Okay." I answer. I'm nowhere near ready, but eventually I will invite Charlie.

* * *

><p>Beth and I are watching a movie in the rec room. It's called "UP" and it's depressing, but I would rather be doing this than sitting around stuck in my own head. Although, it is making me a little uneasy that Beth keeps looking at me out of the corner of her eye. Finally, she says something.<p>

"Why don't you hate me, Bella?"

"Because I could have been you. What you did was fucked up, but it kind of opened my eyes up."

"What do you mean?"

"I've become someone that I don't even know. I've become such a good liar to everyone else and myself. When you talked about how you convinced yourself that your ex wasn't drinking anymore…yeah, I could see myself doing that. Like, anything to get someone else out of my way so that I could do what I needed to do, and by that I mean not eat and sleep away my hunger."

"Did you lie a lot to your fiancé?"

It's hard for me to think about Edward but I answer her anyway.

"I hurt him a lot. I feel like I was emotionally abusive, you know? I pushed and pushed and did what I knew would hurt him if it got him to leave me alone."

"I think it's good that you're acknowledging that you fucked up Bella, that's a huge step."

"Yeah, but it hurts. I'm in pain thinking about this shit and I want to be numb but I can't."

"No you can't." She confirms. I wish she could have said something more encouraging. She continues, "That's the thing about letting go of addictions- you can't fly away anymore. You have to face reality without an escape."

"Yes and it's horrible."

"And wonderful, Bella. Because we can really see things now. We're not trying to run so hard, so now we can look at what made us wanna run in the first place."

My voice shakes as I start to tell her a bit of my story. "My mom was everything to me and when she died I realized that I had no fucking control. I wanted her to stay alive with every fiber of my being, but she just died. I wanted control, any type of control. I think that's one of the things that started it."

"Maybe you should talk to her about it some time. I talk to Sammy all the time. Sometimes they talk back in their own way."

"Maybe I will."


End file.
